I’ve been in the process of actively grieving for about a year now. It’s an interesting thing, this process, because there is no amount of true preparation for losing someone. Both of my grandparents on my dad’s side aren’t doing too well. One is having body issues, the other has been diagnosed with dementia.
There is a song that I started to really play on repeat called “The War I’m Scared to Face” by Witt Lowry.
I was at his concert, unaware of who he was, last March. He got up on stage and opened his life up to a crowed of strangers. He discussed the loss of his grandpa and the process of dementia. His lyrics explain the complications that COVID provided in not being able to see him, the loss of memory that his grandfather faced, and the heartache of not being recognized any more. My grandpa was diagnosed awhile back, but really started to show signs late summer of last year. From there he has gone down quite drastically, and with this process, there isn’t a day I don’t think about this song.
I decided to start an on-going process to help me with this. I have too many ideas in my brain that I want to represent but I thought I’d start with something simple.
I’ve received a lot from my grandparents; photographs, dvds, home videos, wedding photographs, trinkets, and things they held dear to them. I’ve also kept many cards and handwritten notes and preserved them. These are things I’ll never forget. All of these items include them or have been given to me by them, even the cabinet this box is on, is my grandmother’s mother’s cabinet.
The viewer doesn’t know this, but this project is about my process. Awhile back I started a grief project – I learned so much about the grieving process through others who were willing to share their story with me. What a learning process art is. The candles in this image signify loss – and though maybe right now it’s not physical, it is emotional and other type of loss. The loss of time, the loss of moments, the loss of the past.
Losing your mind, independence, and accepting your body cannot do what it used it – is such a frustrating thing. People get upset with their elders when they lean on them or ask them to do a lot when they reach this point – but empathetically I think – how hard is that? Honestly.. it’s the hardest thing we have to go through at the end of our lives. The moment you THINK You are prepared for – comes fast, and you in fact are not prepared for everything it entails. This makes people bitter, scared, and confused. We can say we aren’t going to be like our grandparents or parents – but the fact is we just don’t know the psychological demons they are facing.
In this process I also had all four of my grandparents draw hearts and their initials and got them tattooed on me, so I could show them while they are still here with me. I love the idea of memory on the body, but I never understood doing it when they couldn’t appreciate it. So I did it while they were here, to show them they matter now and not just when they are not around.
I have many aspects of this project I will build up on. Unfortunately, this is only the beginning of my journey with my feelings.